Bugger 'em, I say.

I decided to go to Providence. Down with the Imperium! But before setting course I decided to snack upon some more Lustrevik locals. I commenced with a Drake and pod chaser, just to whet the appetite:

Drake: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48357091
Pod: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48357095

In order not to discriminate against the Caldari I next selected a Hurricane:

Hurricane: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48364699
Pod: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48364703

A Cyclone became the next course with the pilot happily donating a capsule to the cause:

Cyclone: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48366520
Pod: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48366527

I enjoyed this one so much that I went back for another:

Cyclone: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48386420
Pod: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48386422

Last on the list was a Bellicose. This cheeky beggar baited me with a heavily tanked Procurer on the station undock before coming to the 'rescue' in the cruiser when it became apparent that the mining barge's tank was failing. I chased the mining barge to an asteroid belt after finishing off the Bellicose, desperately lunging for him as he successfully entered warp to safety.

Bellicose: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48477166

What I found most interesting is that, of these five pilots, three asked for PvP fits and advice on how to get into this most enticing side of the game. I am usually friendly after killing people and am willing to answer their questions. This is also somewhat self-selecting since the pilot has chosen to aggress first.

So next time you kill a mission runner you are really just doing them a service. Offer to answer their questions and be friendly. You might help them over the 'being willing to shoot another pilot' hurdle.

While on the way to Providence I hopped into the CVA diplo channel and asked if they would let me into their stations for the duration of the invasion. In return, I promised to not kill them. They explained that I could be a spy or turncoat and that they would therefore be unlikely to set me blue.

Spy! Turncoat! I explained that I had always been upfront and honest about my dealings with Providence (namely killing them for fun as per this magnificent post https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&m=5689907#post5689907) but that I was incensed by the Imperium invasion and wished to help. They declined. So bugger ‘em, I say.

Regardless, I soon arrived at Kari and jumped in, an uninvited and very much unwelcome guest. No gate camp! Very lax. I’m not surprised they are losing so many I-Hubs, albeit much more slowly than expected (which is great). After going a couple of jumps I found a Sabre on a gate. It was a goon Sabre along with two other CFC toons in local. So obviously I attacked him.

He bubbled up and valiantly decloaked his Falcon along with a second Sabre. I hate Falcons. But what else could I expect? So I killed the Sabre while slowboating back to the gate under perma-jam (long live drones!) and was busily chewing through the Falcon when he did a Brave Sir Robin. What a noob.

Sabre: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48655481

The next Sabre I came across was a Provi one. He attacked me! So I killed him good, too. Purely in self defence.

Sabre: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48695367
Pod: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48695372

Unfortunately, my Provi time was cut short when I foolishly tripped over a corpse on a gate, decloaking right in front of an Imperium gate camp. Ugh.

Stratios: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48712051
Pod: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48712054

While sitting in Amarr I received a convo from one of the Stay Frosty directors. He asked whether I would like to go and help set up the alliance's first nullsec station.

The next episode shall be entitled, "What a bunch of [sov] noobs."

What percentage fearless?

Mission-runner baiting was the ideal occupation whilst recovering from my terrible Firetail losses.

I checked dotlan for shining beacons of bearishness and ended up in Korsiki. It didn't take long to find my first victim, a Caracal Navy Issue who gave me the Carebear Stare. He asked me what I was doing in his site. I told him it was nothing sinister and that I was merely after all of his loot and that he had better hand it over on fear of death!

He didn't respond but when he finally whittled the field down to the last rat (Terzam, or something along those lines) I zoomed over to the wreck and quickly emptied it.

My companion was unhappy about that but did not warp out. The stare continued. I confessed in local that I had filched his goodies and that I was willing to do battle for the drop. I gave him fair warning: "But you will die. Mua ha ha." He aggressed.

I went straight into orbit and began laying into him. I was working hard, overheating both guns and reps and accumulating the sort of heat you would expect. When I was halfway through his shields I remembered that I was in a drone boat and launched my Acolytes. (Well I can't get everything right, can I? You just wouldn't believe me.)

He had just entered armour when both my rappers burned out. Stupid. I had actually turned the heat off in time but the residual was enough to tip them over the edge. I toyed with the idea of warping out but decided that one of us would explode.

The fact that I was in a Gallente ship saved the day, the Caracal Navy exploding in a very satisfying manner when I was a third of the way through my hull.

Caracal Navy: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48230607

After gfs were exchanged I complimented him on the creative version of a Mining Permit in his bio. It gave me a chuckle:

|========================|
................................/'/)
............................./¯¯./
.........................../..../
................./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`¡¸
............../'/../..../......./¨¯\
............('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.............\.................'......./
...........''...\.......... _....¡´
...................\.................\
.....................\...................\
|========================|

Solid gold.

The next time I logged in The Citadel was far too quiet so I decided to transfer my attentions to my old stomping ground in Heimatar. I set the destination and was soon winging my way through Rancer (how sadly declined it is) and on the Lustrevik.

I began to stir the locals up. "I am Zappity the Mostly Fearless. I am here to inspect your wrecks for juicy loot and to destroy any who dare oppose me! No ship can stand against the mighty Ishkur!"

Silence.

I then asked the audience in general why highsec local was so quiet. (Again with the silence.) I asked them whether all missions took that long, why they were so boring, and couldn't they please find something better to do like fighting a fearsome opponent? (That was me, by the way.)

Whether he took pity on me, was goaded into action by my incessant noise or was oblivious to my ineffectual taunting, a Dominix finally aggressed. I spent some time killing his drones before transferring my attention to his ship. The room full of rats then turned their collective attention to me all at once. This made things very interesting for a while.

He requested mercy when he realised he was going to die. ("Begged" is too strong a word for the mildly keen requests.) As I said, he requested mercy but I politely declined and finished him off.

Dominix: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48339317

I sent him some ISK because I like to encourage them to have a go. My suspicion that he was a little disgruntled was confirmed when he rage quit after enquiring as to 'why people have to be dicks'. Oh well. I saw him a couple of hours later in another battleship which sternly refused to aggress my ship.

I continued to torment the locals after dinner. They became feisty after a while. Role playing a pirate in highsec can be quite amusing and I have actually found it to be a useful way to encourage people to aggress.
Whether this is because they just want to kill me even more or just because I appear less of a threat when prattling away like a complete numpty I have yet to discern.

I had mercilessly pillaged the loot from a particular Maelstrom's mission several times before he finally called me out in local. He told me that I wasn't fearless at all, and that I would flee from a serious threat. Another local chimed in and asked what percentage of fearless I was. We had quite the philosophical discussion about it and eventually arrived at 81%, although I confessed that this figure was directly correlated to the amount of alcohol that had been imbibed shortly before any particular threat was taken into consideration.

Anyway, the discussion was cut short by the Maelstrom's guns. My adversary's scram was an indisputable indication that he was ready for me, something further strengthened by the medium, rather than large, guns that he was sporting. This didn't worry me much and I went into a tight orbit while frantically killing his drones.

What worried me most was the neut. I was soon relying on cap boosters with the result that my afterburner kept shutting down,  further increasing the damage I took. I toyed with the idea of trying to escape but decided to stick it out. To be honest, my armour wasn't in a good way and I would probably have died on the align out anyway. Regardless, his guns landed a lucky hit and I was soon just a pod next to a smoking wreck.

That was a great fight. I had killed an awful lot of drones and he must have been close to empty. But he was victorious and I honoured him in local. A good encouragement to the rest of them!

Ishkur: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48344080

The Pacific is still far too large

I killed an Astero to death in Provi. He lingered in his relic site too long and I caught him good:

Astero: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=47853640

Unfortunately, I then proceeded to linger too long myself in a ratting pocket. I was then foolish enough to bite on an obvious Dominix cyno bait. I managed to get him to about a quarter hull before he lit his cyno and the defence fleet landed on me. I honestly think he was just toying with me:

Stratios: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=47853860

For my next trick I tried to kill a Tengu in a Maze. I had figured out the gates from someone’s helpful video (sorry, I forget which one):

Press F11 and have d-scan facing north
Room 1 – the gate faces 4 o’clock
Room 2 – 8 o’clock
Room 3 – 12 o’clock
Room 4 – 9 o’clock

The ratting Tengu was in the second room. The cheeky bugger aggressed me as soon as I landed! That's just not right. He is meant to run in terror. I charged towards him but swiftly realised that the rats had switched aggro to me and were quickly depleting my armour tank. I managed to warp away just before I hit hull.

I’m not sure how to kill these Maze ratters. They are terribly conceited, just sitting there watching you on d-scan and mocking you in local. I need to ponder the situation. I am determined to kill them.

On the journey back to Thera I checked the new www.timerboard.net and decided upon the Fountain/Cloud Ring border as my next destination. Fozziesov had just landed this was the most active region. I expected to find myself crowded out by the crashing waves of opposing armies, fiercely contesting Fountain.

What I actually found was a lone interceptor, and that was only after half an hour wandering through the desolate wastes. I thought he was trying to salvage a beacon but have since been induced to believe that he was using his entosis link. I decloaked at 50 km and killed him with Warriors because he couldn't warp away.

It was thrilling.

Claw: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=47895505

I jumped back to lowsec to my learning clone before another trip away (I am of the sincere opinion that the Pacific is far too large) but wished I hadn't after I returned. My lowsec roam was disastrous. This was SOLELY due to the fact that I was again jet lagged.

I lost five Firetails in exchange for an Atron, Venture and a Stealth Bomber. What a noob - he aggressed on a station when I was not suspect and was rapidly torn apart by the station guns!

These losses were a mixture of poor warp-in choices, hanging around too long, taking on too many people at once and generally just being bad and out of practice. The only excusable loss was when I forgot that lowsec had gate guns and went to town on a cruiser. He appeared mildly amused by the rapidity with which I was dispatched.

Quire understandable and totally different to station guns.

He walked the plank. Yarr.

[Please forgive this atrocious piece of roleplay. It was amusing over a hefty glass of wine.]

Zappity > 50m and i will let you go

Zappity > this be a ransom demand, yarr

Worthy Adversary > yarr

(A highsec Raven had aggressed my humbled Ishkur while I was innocently pilfering loot from his mission wrecks.)

Zappity > do you decline?

Zappity > for i may be forced to bring in the Orca of Reshipping

(Actually, I must confess that this was all bluff. I have an Orca alt but she was on the other side of the map and I've never used her for highsec shenanigans.)

Worthy Adversary > well I dont know

Zappity > you have a hefty tank. methinks it be made of whale hide

(Translation: he had an active tank which I was barely scratching.)

Worthy Adversary > sort of fell for your trap didnt I

Zappity > that be so, matey

Worthy Adversary > you could just let me go

Zappity > yarr, but the act of deactivating yon warp scrambler is so tiring it deserves some pennies

Worthy Adversary > you dont want pennies

Zappity > i be awaitin' a counter offer

(His valiant alt arrived in a Kestrel. I stayed on the Raven and sent my drones after the Kestrel. He managed to escape deep in hull.)

Zappity > when will your parrot return? or was it a Kestrel?

Zappity > he be a fiesty specimen

Worthy Adversary > Kestrel but he wont be back

Zappity > ye showed some spirit so i am willing to lower my accustomed fee

Zappity > 10m and you're a'sailin free

Worthy Adversary > well thank you - to what

Worthy Adversary >  10 mil is fair

Worthy Adversary > how do I know you will leave me alone

Worthy Adversary > once I have paid

Zappity > you must trust me. but i be an honourable pirate, yarr

Worthy Adversary > lol

(Sigh. You lot make life so difficult sometimes.)

Zappity > my patience be wearing thin, ya briny barnacle

Zappity > the old Orca, she takes a while to align but helpful she surely is

Worthy Adversary > Yes I am sure

Zappity > and I sense ye are a'stallin, waiting for a fleet sailing in on the winds

Zappity > if it give thee comfort, I be a member of the Honourable Ransomers' Club: https://forums.eveonline.com/default.aspx?g=posts&m=3584534

(Whether this would have had any effect we shall never learn. At this moment his alt arrived again, this time in a Drake.)

Zappity > treachery!

(I had lost my Suspect flag and so sent the Drake a duel request. He had set it to auto-reject so I had to wait for him to summon up the courage.)

Zappity > yon Drake will need to send a duel request for i no longer be suspect

Worthy Adversary > yeah noticed

Zappity > i be willing to take on the two of ye

Zappity > foul play be damned!

Worthy Adversary > why dont I feel this is a good idea

(Ha! He aggressed! And didn’t take the chance to depart while I burned the ~30km from the Raven to the Drake. I knew I couldn’t break the Raven and wanted a crack at the battlecruiser.)

Worthy Adversary > still want 10 mil

(This came after I broke his shield. It was a passive regen tank and it was very close. I needed overheated guns to crack it and reached 80% heat before getting past peak regen.)

Zappity > ye had your chance, now thee walks the plank!

Worthy Adversary > fair enough

Zappity > gf, catch you around mate

Worthy Adversary > cu

Drake: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=48231467

Jet lag, a terrible affliction

I had logged off in Deklein a week before, right in the middle of a tasty ratting area. I figured that they would wait for me until I returned home from a trip away. Sure enough, they were all still there when I logged back in a week later.

Everybody talks about goon AFK Ishtars but I didn't actually come across any. They were all very much on the ball and in warp by the time I landed. A little down the road I found a Sabre waiting patiently on a gate. Innocent Scout escaped this time (she has had some bad experiences lately) and Zappity hopped through to take the fight.

The Sabre put a bubble up and tackled the Svipul. So I killed it and podded him, escaping moments before the inevitable backup landed.

Sabre: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=47830932
Pod: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=47830934

The local ratters started linking gifs at me in local. I hate gifs in local and never open them. To punish them, I cloaked and went afk while doing the dishes. When I returned they seemed to be getting a little excitable so I left the system and headed toward a distant Thera entry on the other side of Fade.

I made a slight detour to investigate an SMA ratting pocket which was just a few jumps out of the way. I found an Ishtar at a plex, tackled him and went into orbit while juggling my modules.

Now, before you read this next bit I want you to understand what a terrible affliction jet lag is. It is obviously a VERY good excuse for poor flying.

The Ishtar's heavy drones were soon winging their way toward me after abandoning their efforts against the local rats. They started to hit me. It really hurt. I was shocked to see myself suddenly in armour and then my pod! I hardly had time to dent his shield.

I sat there, wondering why my faithful Svippy had so let me down. I then realised that I had forgotten to switch from Propulsion to Defence mode. Oh boy.

Please go back up and read the paragraph on jet lag again. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it.

I self-destructed my pod and was sitting in Amarr when my Ishtar opponent convoed me. He had been AFK in the shower and just returned to find a nice, expensive solo kill added to the tally.

This is so embarrassing. But I did promise to be honest!

Svipul: http://eve.battleclinic.com/killboard/killmail.php?eid=47834002